[personal profile] lastwordy

Their list (found at http://www.women.com/celebs/hotstars/pages/0,,413026_639835,00.html) and what I think of the listees:

Ryan Gosling: He looks familiar and I have seen Murder By Numbers, but this kid does nothing for me. In this picture in particular, he looks like the sloppy stoner kid on school picture day, the one day he sticks his head in the bathroom sink, wets his hair, runs a comb through it, and then throws on the same jacket that's been sitting at the bottom of his locker all year long.

Mark Ruffalo: I have no idea who this guy is. None. But he has a gigantic jaw, doesn't he? And he should really give Erik Estrada back his hair.

Emile Hirsch: Clearly, I live under a rock, because I have no idea who this one is either. And he looks like he's twelve, which disturbs me. Deeply. He's worth $20/hour to me -- babysitting cash -- as long as he shuts up and lets me call my boyfriends on the phone.

Viggo Mortensen: It is Viggo! My sister loves him. Several of my friends love him. Aragorn was always one of my heros. While I am not panting in the corner for him like some people I know, he does smoulder. Though not with this haircut. Some boys need longer hair. He's one of them.

Orlando Bloom: Look, the boy is beautiful. He's got a killer smile and lovely eyes, and he once even managed to pull off a really bad mohawk and still look cute as a button. He doesn't really *thrill* me, per se, but if he showed up at the front door and was just gagging for a shag, I'd have to indulge him, just to save him from himself (that "thud" was the sound of three million teenage girls passing out at the thought of Orlando Bloom as *anyone's* pity fuck).

Mekhi Phifer: He was on ER, which means I barely noticed him unless he was sharing screen time with Goran Visjnic. Still, that's one fine grin. And he's got shoulders for days. And he owns SIX -- coutn 'em, SIX -- shoe stores in California. Ooohh, I think I feel a swoon coming on....

Jude Law: OK, Mr. Law is at a huge disadvantage when it comes to me, because he was in two movies with Jack Davenport, my present fuche du jour (to use an old phrase that only [livejournal.com profile] wench58 and possibly [livejournal.com profile] redmysticspider will truly appreciate), which means I barely noticed he was alive, so busy was I fast-forwarding to any scene involving the object of my desire. Also, despite my well-established soft spot for all men with British accents, Jude Law really doesn't get me going. I am not a fan of cleft chins, for one, and he's got a cavern at the bottom of his face. He looks like an art teacher or maybe a music student. Which means, in real life, I'd probably assume he was gay. In fact, his primary appeal to me is that he once shared a flat with Ewan MacGregor, so maybe he might still have Ewan's number. Or Jack Davenport's. You're just a means to an end for me, Jude. Sorry.

Johnny Depp: Oh, Johnny, Johnny. First problem is that you've belonged to [livejournal.com profile] toosha since about 1995, at least in my head. And you used to always look like you needed a bath. Also you seem to really enjoy the French, which I just can't get behind. But you wrung tears from my black little gothic heart in Edward Scissorhands and then broke my heart again with your drug dealer but still hurt daddy in Blow. And I loved you so in Benny and Joon. And also in Ed Wood. But I had no lust in my heart for you. Until Pirates of the Caribbean, when I was struck with the sudden desire to, indeed, clap you in irons. Seems that whole unwashed thing that bothered me before is OK as long as you're a pirate. Who knew?

Diego Luna: Another 12 year old, it seems. He looks like Menudo. All of them. Lo siento, Diego. We'll talk again once you can grow some facial hair.

Michael Ealy: He was adorable in Kissing Jessica Stein (which I watched for yet another TV-boyfriend, Scott Cohen) and there can be no doubt that those blue eyes are just disarming. But he's not doing it for me. I think it's the shirt. That's not a good shirt. I don't even think Lenny Kravitz could pull that one off.

Vince Vaughn: Nope. Just can't do it. Can't can't can't. This baby does not think you are money, Vince. You're a goof that would be fun to drink with, but you're going home alone. Let's talk later, after you manage something that doesn't involve Will Ferrell**.

Michael Pitt: He looks like a stalker. And needs a bath. And while I am all for full lips, he looks like he got punched in the mouth. Probably by the girl he was stalking.

Clearly, AOL and I disagree on damn near everyone on this list. Or it could be that I am just too old for most of these boys. Or that my time living under a rock prevents me from seeing their true sexiness. I don't know. And I'm kinda glad that none of my boyfriends made the list. More for me, mwahahaha. You silly bitches can cat-fight over these twelve. I'll be on the beach with Jack, and Colin, and Hugh, and Billy, and Dominic, and George; we'll think of you while we enjoy drinks with umbrellas in them. I'll dance in a coconut bra. And they will like it. A lot.

Thus ends the commentary for this evening. Night all.

** Who, while a very funny man, is not sexy nor does he inspire sexiness in his co-stars.



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